updates!!
8 july 06.
afternoon i saw sy online but status was brb. so my hand and my brain told me to tell him that i got sth to say to him. so i typed those in msn. and i went offline. after one hour or so. he smsed me asking me wat i wanna say. then i told him not now cos i gotta go piano lesson. which is half true half excuse. then he said he will call me when my lesson ends. so this makes me duno wat to do. and around 530. he really called. using his house phone. means that he expects a long talk. well but i said that i got no free incoming and this whole thing was pushed until at nite on msn. but i appeared offline. i just duno hwo to say yet. he came online waited for me and smsed me twice. but i din reply until 10++ when he is offline already. telling him i couldnt online becos was having fever. which was half real cos my body feels hot. was quite disappointed that he din ask me hows my fever the next day. nvm anw. he dint asked me to talk abt this matter again on sunday. which i told myself that if he ask again i will send him the email. which i've already typed the previous nite.
so this thing was not brought up until thurs. i smsed him asking whether he still interested to know. yes its me again. the one who initiated. he said next time cos he still studying in school. so well. i still sent the email. thought that he wont be online that night. but he did! so he talked to me. hmm it wasnt a happy chat cos its the first time bothing of us so serious talking abt an issue and any haha or hoho or lol. just the problem was not solved and i went offline after he said that he got nothing more to say to me. that was the night. i cant precisely describe my feelings. but its like wanna cry but tears just cant come out. wanna laugh but there's this sourness in the heart.
the following day. no eye contacts in class. yea both of us was not very normal. he talked much lesser in class. i smiled very little. after sch wenta study in the lib with the girls. he came in after sometime. helen hinted me and when i turned and saw him, no smiles, almost immediately turned back. he sat on the other table, alone. seldom he is alone. the only time we communicated is when i said BYE when i left the lib. at nite. online he hi-ed me. and said that not to let anyone know abt this issue. but i confessed that helen already knew b4 he knows. and he got really frustrated over this matter. and said that i shldnt have told anyone. and i was pissed of too cos i think that he nv ever think in my shoes before. i said sorry in a very sarcastic tone and appeared offline.
then it was tonite. he online now. said a whole chunk to me. but i din reply. act 'away'. he said that he was sorry abt that nite that he was harsh and rude with his words. but blar blar blar..then said that we shall put everything behind us and move on. yea i agree. ahhh please go offline asap. i dun wanna reply u tonite. hope tml will be a fine day for us.
yes yes yes yes im always this undecisive and once decided it seems that im going to regret. i do everything i think i shld at that moment but nv think properly abt the consequences that followed. im just this straight minded. and watever xy says that i am. i totally agree.