cried in sch today. 3rd time in jj. first is cos of orientation, which is understandable. second is cos we girls shared our stuffs. then everyone cried la. then today..shld be becos of my recent feelings bah. then helen keep asking why i so moody. then i lost control of my tears. yes. im super stress with everything. wat if i cant get into UNi? wat am i going to do then? im the only child and my parents do need me to take care of them next time and i need alot alot of money. so i must get into uni. local uni. cos no money to go overseas. wat if i fail my piano exam? which is coming very soon. my studies is in chaos. another thing that made me quite bu shuang is that xiuling seems to have some secrets with von n helen. and they make it obvious that there is sth but they are not going to share. i understand that ppl needs privacy. BUt do it more secretively can anot? dont so obvious la.

updates!!
8 july 06.
afternoon i saw sy online but status was brb. so my hand and my brain told me to tell him that i got sth to say to him. so i typed those in msn. and i went offline. after one hour or so. he smsed me asking me wat i wanna say. then i told him not now cos i gotta go piano lesson. which is half true half excuse. then he said he will call me when my lesson ends. so this makes me duno wat to do. and around 530. he really called. using his house phone. means that he expects a long talk. well but i said that i got no free incoming and this whole thing was pushed until at nite on msn. but i appeared offline. i just duno hwo to say yet. he came online waited for me and smsed me twice. but i din reply until 10++ when he is offline already. telling him i couldnt online becos was having fever. which was half real cos my body feels hot. was quite disappointed that he din ask me hows my fever the next day. nvm anw. he dint asked me to talk abt this matter again on sunday. which i told myself that if he ask again i will send him the email. which i've already typed the previous nite.
so this thing was not brought up until thurs. i smsed him asking whether he still interested to know. yes its me again. the one who initiated. he said next time cos he still studying in school. so well. i still sent the email. thought that he wont be online that night. but he did! so he talked to me. hmm it wasnt a happy chat cos its the first time bothing of us so serious talking abt an issue and any haha or hoho or lol. just the problem was not solved and i went offline after he said that he got nothing more to say to me. that was the night. i cant precisely describe my feelings. but its like wanna cry but tears just cant come out. wanna laugh but there's this sourness in the heart.
the following day. no eye contacts in class. yea both of us was not very normal. he talked much lesser in class. i smiled very little. after sch wenta study in the lib with the girls. he came in after sometime. helen hinted me and when i turned and saw him, no smiles, almost immediately turned back. he sat on the other table, alone. seldom he is alone. the only time we communicated is when i said BYE when i left the lib. at nite. online he hi-ed me. and said that not to let anyone know abt this issue. but i confessed that helen already knew b4 he knows. and he got really frustrated over this matter. and said that i shldnt have told anyone. and i was pissed of too cos i think that he nv ever think in my shoes before. i said sorry in a very sarcastic tone and appeared offline.
then it was tonite. he online now. said a whole chunk to me. but i din reply. act 'away'. he said that he was sorry abt that nite that he was harsh and rude with his words. but blar blar blar..then said that we shall put everything behind us and move on. yea i agree. ahhh please go offline asap. i dun wanna reply u tonite. hope tml will be a fine day for us.
yes yes yes yes im always this undecisive and once decided it seems that im going to regret. i do everything i think i shld at that moment but nv think properly abt the consequences that followed. im just this straight minded. and watever xy says that i am. i totally agree.

recently. they are close. because of soccer betting gta etc. studying together. for example today. yes she asked me if i wanna study. only in sch. why will i bring anything for studying rite? she said shiyi von n who she duno. obviously she only asked those 2. later in the day. it maybe im suspicious or they are acting. he said that he got sth on at west mall at 5. so they got a perfect reason to go together. i sent them off with smile. but dont u think its just like a lame excuse for going to study together planned beforehand without letting anyone know and lin shi find a reason to cover up? i think so. but nvm. alright.

从前我们最近.最近我们最远. this is my msn personal msg. its for u. i really really feel the distance btw us. dont u? or did u do it on purpose? save me from the misery. recently most of my msn nicks r for u actually. but u were not online until today. doubt u know.

ok ytd i sent such an innovative sms to INVITE him to study with me. but he gotta take care of his bro at home. no choice lo. but nvm. i tot he will sms me ask me if i really went there. but he dint. the nex time he sms is to ask wat time can come my house today. -.- dont wu hui. its not only him. and today on bus there's a sit beside me he dont wanna sit later on still ask me why i dont wanna sit behind. like duh. argh.

they isolate me n him while we singing tank's gei wo ni de ai. and we were happily singing. they everytime also do this leh. take pic take video. i mean can dont do it. i know its joking. BUT it will really cos embarressment btw me n him de! we din talk much after tt lo. and im in a bad mood. rmb got one time in the lib we read a duno wat together then they also take pic and send to each other. like wat the hell!! if one day we really distance up its u all's fault lor! like im not the only one close to him. can u all pLEASE PLEASE realise!!~~?? AHHHH.

haha. funny thing. seems like i always come here to complain abt him n her.
this time round. i duno wat. she knows tt he wants to study tml. and he always dun wan study when i ask him. i think im really jealous. and now i think he dont like me in some ways. like the way i always disses ppl. the way im always very fierce. i duno. and i think he feels sth weird abt me returning the lockers keys out of a sudden. when do i have the chance to tell him all the things i wanna say. seems like there's no time when there's only me n him. ytd went to play bball with him sd n cl. after tt pool. then he smsing. i cant help but to guess the receiver is her. and everytime me n him smsing and he is gg to play pool. he will say dont talk le. talk online at nite. super jealous is my guess is correct.